7 Years Older Since Tuesday...

Despite not feeling in the greatest shape physically. I really feel like I'm having the time of my life. 

This stems from two things primarily:

One is I don't worry about anything; worry is entirely an unproductive and self-defeating phenomenon.

Secondly, I have a far greater appreciation for all the little things that I normally take for granted.

Guatemalan Worry Dolls

Both of these things actually take work, Neither is easy or natural. Worry is ingrained into our every fiber. Money, job security, the economy, the situation in Ukraine, the national debt, your kids, the price of tea in China, your family's health, the future. I get it, I don't envy you your worry or question it but the sooner you can move past it the Better Off You Will Be... Here are some tips

Appreciating the little things mainly requires you to be in the moment. This is universally one of the most difficult things for people to do, and it's getting harder with all our daily distractions. One thing I've noticed recently is the ability to be present is one of the most underappreciated aspects of a great friend. Put your phone down once in awhile and take a look around.

A lot of this positive approach really comes from your mind -so- it's a Mind over Mind more than a Mind over Body approach. Get yourself in a positive headspace.

For God's sake actually listen sometimes when people are talking to you. Engage in a conversation. Ask them about something that's interesting to them not only to you. 

What are you bingeing right now is a great opener that folks of all ages seem to enjoy talking about. Incidentally I hear Ted Lasso is pretty spectacular and very uplifting. I'm all in.

Feel like we all could use a bit more uplifting and a lot less downtrodding. (eh, I took a shot).

📭📭📭

Sorry I've been a little delayed in writing. I really shouldn't even be writing this. I received a second card from my 92-year-old Aunt Esther and this one had a check in it and I feel like everyday that I delay writing her back possibly brings me a day closer to a fiery hell which I am actively trying to avoid at this juncture.

😋😁😄

I'm going to combine chemo sessions four and five as I think that's probably how I'm going to remember them. Indistinctive. Sense of dread. Bordering on routine. Side effects worse than expected.

This High Appreciation Anti Worry (H.A.A.W.) mindset was particularly valuable in these two sessions which continued to be pretty tough. I feel 57 years old for the first time in my life and maybe a little bit older.
Session 5 I'm pretty sure I aged 7 years between Tuesday and Saturday. 

One amazing aspect of chemotherapy is it is truly a cumulative effect. With most treatment you expect to get used to it and it gets easier. With this, the drugs build in your system and the side effects persist or become more acute as time wears on. They warn you about this too right from the beginning but you're not really listening the first time you get warned about anything, are you?

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The lady across from me in Session 5 was born 6 days after I was in February 1966. I guess it caught my attention as most of the other people in chemo have a birthday in or around 1929. Your birthday kinda becomes part of your identity too because you have to state it like seriously six times throughout the chemo process so they can verify they're giving the medication to the right person - you ultimately feel like you're repeating it endlessly. 

👍👍👍

Fortunately, Chemo session 6 brought a little bit of blessed relief, as they dropped two drugs from the running regimen based on side effects. The one drug I wasn't happy to lose was Amend, appropriately named because it tends to straighten out the heavy nausea.

The other one eliminated from this session was the nefarious Oxaliplatin. This is a 30-year-old drug at the core of your treatment. It causes neuropathy in an amazing 100% of humans, along with heightened cold sensitivity as I've discussed before. Dr Jacobs admitted there are still unknowns about this drug but the side effects are undeniable. I told him I did not want to pause it if it's having a positive effect, but he said that it is common to drop it at points throughout the regimen. Apparently eight helpings of it over 12 sessions is about right i.e. tolerable for most people.

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So subsequently I drank cold beverages for the first time in weeks during the last 2 days and people -- it was glorious. Plus my hands felt kind of normal, not like I was Spider-Man wrestling with the Green Goblin.

I also hit a nice weight milestone. People universally (women even) tell me I look fabulous right now, so there's that.

💩💩💩

How to put this delicately, let's see. 

I spend an inordinate amount of time lately talking about my poop.

I'm sorry, BMs. That sounds better to people. It always reminds me of an orchestra when you talk about movements and boy howdy some days it is. But that's a story for another time.

When you have colon cancer, poop is a topic that comes up frequently; more than it is commonly comfortable to speak about in polite company.

It's literally the second question you're asked by three different people when you first arrive for therapy. Then every time they give you another medication they verify the bag. What is your full name? What is your birthdate? How is your poop? 

The bag by the way is exactly what you would expect: a scary ass yellow sack with a big chemo radioactive warning and a picture of what you would likely see at Three Mile Island or a similarly compromised nuclear facility.

I like the nurses and I truly adore Nurse Diane. Now I turn the table and the first thing when I see her I ask her about her poop. 

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I hate to beat the colonoscopy drum again but it feels like every third commercial on regular TV is for a local cancer hospital. The crowd at chemo this morning appeared to be twice the normal gathering.

Accordingly two friends were excited to tell me in detail about their colonoscopies this week. I did not expect to be that guy necessarily but I find I actually enjoy being a bellwether of great colonoscopy news. Seriously if you've been putting it off get one scheduled ASAP.

I don't want to say it's fun but it's really not bad -- you will be surprised at how not scary it is and how much relief you feel afterwards. The day before flush turns out to be surprisingly satisfying. During the actual procedure you'll also sleep for about an  hour and a half of total Bliss. It's one of the few times your mind is completely turned off and it's an intense experience. Then the feeling of getting something done that you were worried about and it wasn't that bad - priceless. 

Eliminating Worry (EW) - Priceless. (Teejus that's for you.).

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Knowing approximately how long you're going to live seems a lot preferable to, say, being unexpectedly imploded in a submarine the size of a closet on the bottom of the ocean. Utilizing the information correctly with a positive mindset and I feel like you can do a lot more things with that knowledge. Like make one more Indiana Jones movie.

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A few weeks ago a dear lady prayed for me in a cathedral in Italy. That is some powerful Interfaith Mojo people. I truly appreciate all the prayers and well wishes, in whatever faith and whatever congregation you worship. I guess that goes for Republicans too.

The actual cathedral in Italy

⚾⚾⚾

A bunch of pals are going to the Orioles Yankees game on Sunday July 30th at Camden Yards which is about 2 hours from where I live. Friends are coming up from DC, and down from New York (by way of California!), New Jersey and Pennsylvania. I'm pretty psyched. Stop by and see us if you're down Maryland way.

Another kind of cathedral

📗📜📝

There are writers known the world over for just one book. But writing a whole book is an awful lot of work. How about being renowned for a single poem (you know the one about Trees)? 

Others are celebrated for a quote. Archimedes is remembered throughout posterity for just the cry of 'Eureka'.

But how about the guy famous for inventing the @ sign? Th@ guy was my hero.

Better yet I would have liked to have been the guy to invent the period. Then I could say, 
'Here, THIS is what I've done with my life'.   Period.

Yes Ma That IS the total extent of my accomplishments and yes I am proud of it. .

  .  

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And so friend I say to you:

I am not sad

I am not lost
I am not down

I am filled with joy
I have a purpose
I am lifted up by the love of my friends

my current location below

For my sister...I'll always miss you too.