This brief glimpse of the King's scepter raises many more questions than answers. Let's be honest - he's already shown us everything we could imagine a man doing in the game of basketball - now how about the bedroom?
Is LeBron the King in the boudoir or is he more of a Nate 'Tiny' Archibald?
Forget size, we know LeBron is a physical specimen, what are his skills on the boards? Does he always take it to the hole with authority, or are there occasions which call for a more delicate move like a finger-roll?
Hollywood has always driven our obsession with celebrities, athletes, and sex. From the unfortunate hotel room accident that befell the great Roy 'The Natural' Hobbs, or 'Nuke' LaLoosh wearing Annie's panties on pitching days, to the real-life romances of Joe D and Marilyn, Madonna and Dennis 'The Worm' Rodman, or Dario Franchitti and Ashley Judd.
Today more contemporary issues involving athletes and sex are in focus, e.g. the shocking transformation of Caitlyn Jenner or the contentious end of the 28-day marriage of WNBA stars Britney Griner and Glory Johnson (pregnant!). We're perhaps even more titillated? repulsed? curious? as we wonder what must go on behind those respective closed doors.
I actually think about a lot of the more technical aspects of LeBrons' sex life. Let's just call them the fundamentals. We've regularly seen Steve Kerr throw two and three men at LeBron, but what happens when he's smothered by two or three women at a time? Does it get that much harder if they go into a box and one? Will he take it down low against the triangle? I've seen Steph Curry drain it from 62 feet, what's the King's range? Can he hit the hole from every angle? Does he like to go backdoor regularly or use it as more of a surprise move if they turn their head? (note: the resemblance to a penis in the following diagram is likely intentional.)
I wonder then who are some of LeBron's own heroes in the game? 'Hot Rod' Hundley? There's Wilt, obviously. Magic Johnson? What's Larry's bird like? I personally always admired Chauncey 'Mr. Big Shot' Billups and 'Big Shot' Bob Horry, of course 'Pistol' Pete Maravich, and certainly less so Anthony 'Spud' Webb. I liked the way Brent 'Bones' Barry could always get his shot off. Clyde 'The Glide' Drexler was a master of pulling out of a sticky situation. And other sports? They say noone bends it like Beckham.
Does LeBron have a nickname for his equipment? Wilt was known as 'The Big Dipper' for his all-around basketball and lovemaking prowess. Roy Hobbs labelled his wood 'Wonderboy', and Chad Ochocinco renamed his johnson 'Russell the Love Muscle'.
Not to get all freaky on you, but LeBron seems to have an inhumanly high tolerance to pain. I recently saw him work tirelessly with a huge gash on his head. Does James like crossing over? Does he play man-on-man? He cries after winning championships, how emotional does he get after sex? How does he feel about watersports?
More conventionally, what does he consider to be the most important position in the game? Does he enjoy the Give-and-Go? How important is it to be able to handle the ball? Is he always involved right from the tip? Is he concerned about dribbling before he shoots? Does he feel the pressure of a shot clock going off in his head?
A rejection is obviously bad, how about someone coming off a big rebound? How important is it to have a good sixth man available? A swingman? Obviously you want to be able to score from downtown. Does it help to get right up in someone's chest? And what exactly is the dreaded Rear Admiral?
What are James' signature moves in the bedroom? Does he favor something like a pinch and twist or more of a counter-clockwise swirl?
With so many more questions than answers, only one thing is clear: Of all the greats LeBron has been compared to through the years, noone was as revered on and off the court quite like the incomparable Oscar Robertson.
You don't get nicknamed 'The Big O' for nothing.
